SATNAV MALFUNCTION (AGAIN)

I would like to state right here and now, without any contradiction, that SatNavs are not completely at home in a city. In fact last Wednesday mine got me hopeless lost in Nottingham.

“At the next roundabout take the 6th exit” she said with authority.

“What 6th exit you dumbo? There are only 4 exits. Ah well, I’ll take the last exit, which happens to be the 4th exit you illiterate bitch”

“At the next roundabout take the 4th exit”

“But that takes me back to the roundabout where you told me to take the 6th exit that doesn’t exist and got me into this mess in the first place. Are you sure about this? But, hey, you’re the expert. I’ll tell you what, I’ll ignore you and take the 3rd exit, so there!”

“Prepare to turn right, turn right now”

This takes me down a side road.

“When safe to do so, make a U turn”

“Turn left”. “But that takes me back to the original roundabout.” She was speechless. I guess she had reserved the right to remain silent.

I had now lost the will to live. An added complexity was that each roundabout had priority lanes. And have you ever noticed that men are particularly pernickety and don’t seem to take kindly to old ladies in powerful cars cutting them up at roundabouts? Bastards! I must confess that I had to use a few finger and/or hand signals and the odd poking out of the tongue movement to release the tension and get my message across.

But I digress. So … ignoring the imbecilic SatNav idiot I plough on and finally unwind myself from the two offending roundabouts. She settles down for a while until - “Prepare to bear left”. I prepare. "Bear left" I bear left. “Turn left”. Complied with. “Turn left”. Also complied with.

“Prepare to bear left”. “But we’ve done this before you silly cow”. At this point I am again committed and find myself going past the same group of businessmen that I had seen gawp at the car a couple of minutes ago on my first circuit. I slow down

Laughing and shrugging out of the window I explain “SatNav malfunction I’m afraid”

They laugh too “Thought so, where are looking for”

“Arthur Street”

Head scratching, “That’s not around here”. You ain't kidding, I'd already worked that one out! Heads together, discussion, and then suddenly “She’s driving an S6V10". Well, stop the world, it’s an S6V10! Three regular booted and suited businessmen suddenly become little boys. “That’s got a Lamborghini engine”. They mill around making boy talk and salivating. “Hey, hey, let’s get back to where it’s at – Arthur Street?” Men!

The only high point of this whole sorry saga was that OG wasn’t sitting alongside me doing his rocking, head in the hands, shouting and moaning act.

When I finally arrived home I said to OG

“Did you know that car has a Lamborghini engine?”

“No”

“No, neither did I!”

And finally … I believe that your life can be changed in a matter of hours by people who don't even know you.