THE BIBLE THROUGH THE EYES OF A CHILD

A friend sent me this.  I doubt very much that it was written by a child, as claimed, but nevertheless it made me laugh. Enjoy.

"A child was asked to write a book report on the entire Bible and this is what he wrote.

In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, 'The Lord thy God is one, but I think He must be a lot older than that.  Anyway, God said, 'Give me a light!' and someone did. Then God made the world. He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet  Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden.....Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn't have cars. Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel.

Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something. One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.

After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.

Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable.

God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments. These include: don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbour’s stuff. Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humour thy father and thy mother.

One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town. After Joshua came David.. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise to me.

After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore. There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't have to worry about them.

After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of The New. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying to me, 'Close the door! Were you born in a barn?' It would be nice to say, 'As a matter of fact, I was.') During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Democrats.

Jesus also had twelve opossums. The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.

Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount. But the Democrats and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead. Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminium. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution."

LOVE IS ALL AROUND

This is one of my all time favourite songs and Marty Pellow from Wet, Wet, Wet is one of my all time favourite singers.  Amazing.  But until this week I didn't know what the inspiration was behind the writing of the song. This is the story.



Reg Presley from The Troggs (and, I might add, someone that I met at a friends house years ago) had been touring.  He arrived home on a Sunday morning as his wife was cooking traditional Sunday roast with his little daughter running around at her feet.  Unless you have ever experience this bliss you wouldn't understand how "homely" this is. I have eaten "Sunday roast" in restaurants and in many countries but it can't be replicated. It's the family and the smells that create the ambiance.  He felt so happy to be home in the bosom of his happy family that he was inspired to write this song.   

Unfortunately for The Troggs the record wasn't the enormous hit that it was for Wet, Wet, Wet who gave it that special treatment that totally unique to them.  Much like a Sunday roast!   

Today I have 12 to lunch (including my daughter (my son-in-law is doing a triathlon or something!), my granddaughter, her husband, another 3 grandchildren and 5 great grandchildren, hopefully the weather will be dry so that the young ones can go out into the garden and give us some peace!)

I am cooking roast chicken with sage & onion stuffing, crispy, crispy, crispy roast potatoes (no-one cooks them like me, even though I say so myself), kale, cauliflower and broccoli.  I always do Yorkshire pudding too.  I know that Yorkshire Pud traditionally goes with roast beef but we think that it goes with roast anything!  For "afters" we are having my special (secret recipe) rice pudding , raspberry crumble, strawberries and New York cheese cake.  A real "lardy bloater" "bring my blanket so that I can have a nap" feast! 

Afterwards I may even subject my family to a rendition of "Love is all around"!

A BLOND GOES TO HEAVEN

This made me laugh.

A blonde was sent on her way to Heaven. Upon arrival, a concerned St Peter met her at the Pearly Gates. 'I'm sorry, 'St Peter said; 'But Heaven is suffering from an overload of godly souls and we have been forced to put up an Entrance Exam for new arrivals to ease the burden of Heavenly Arrivals.'

'That's cool' said the blonde, 'What does the Entrance Exam consist of?'  'Just three questions' said St Peter,
'Which are?' asked the blonde. 'The first,' said St Peter, 'is, which two days of the week start with the letter 'T'? The second is how many seconds are there in a year? The third is what was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?' 'Now,' said St Peter, 'Go away and think about those questions and when I call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for me.'

So the blonde went away and gave those three questions some considerable thought (I expect you to do the same).

The following morning, St Peter called upon the blonde and asked if she had considered the questions, to which she replied, 'I have.' 'Well then,' said St Peter, 'Which two days of the week start with the letter T?'
The blonde said, 'Today and Tomorrow.'

St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that indeed the answer can be applied to the question. 'Well then, could I have your answer to the second of the three questions' St Peter went on, 'how many seconds in a year?' The blonde replied, 'Twelve!' 'Only twelve' exclaimed St Peter, 'How did you arrive at that figure?' 'Easy,' said the blonde, 'there's the second of January, the second of February, right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve seconds.'

St Peter looked at the blonde and said, 'I need some time to consider your answer before I can give you a decision.' And he walked away shaking his head.

A short time later, St Peter returned to the blonde. 'I'll allow the answer to stand, but you need to get the third and final question absolutely correct to be allowed into Heaven. Now, can you tell me the answer to the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?' The blonde replied: 'Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to answer.' 'Really!' exclaimed St Peter, 'And what is the answer?' 'It's Andy.' 'Andy??' 'Yes, Andy,' said the blonde.

This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that, deliberating the answer. Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer, and turning to the blonde, asked 'How in God's name did you arrive at THAT answer?' 'Easy' said the blonde, 'Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited til his billy boiled.'

And the blonde entered Heaven...?



... you're singing it now, aren't you???

THIS IS MYLIFE!

MY GARDEN IN FULL SUMMER BLOOM

The first sight that greeted me when I arrived home from my 4 month trip to Australia, the Polynesian Islands and American was the glorious sight of my front garden in full bloom. 

There is nothing quite like England in early summer. 

The next sight was this "welcome home" banner in my office made by 2 of my grandsons Harvey and Taylor and my 2  great granddaughters Elise and Orianne under the tutelage of my daughter Kimberley.  What a great homecoming.

Then on Tuesday I was treated to a formal"English Tea Party" with bone china cups and saucers and scones provided by Stuart in IT, dainty sandwiches provided by  Georgina and made by Jackie in accounts and Rosie in reservations and cupcakes made by Kimberley.  A grand co-operative event.  

THE SUNDIAL SUMMER OF LOVE BUS

 
And yesterday we had a visit from the Sundial Group who bought their "Summer of Love" London bus to present to us and treat us to a delicious BBQ lunch.  They did the same last year but I missed it because I didn't get back from my trip until July.
 



SOME OF THE INFOTELLIAN
CREW OUTSIDE OUR OFFICE

And while we had some of the crew off the 'phones (which doesn't happen very often) we took a pic at our  office entrance.




I live and work in a beautiful rural environment, although this does present problems in inasmuch as  we have many illegal immigrants and druggies in the area and despite beefing up security since Davy died they still seem to see the office and my house as a target for petty pilfering.  Only yesterday one of the sales people saw a "thin lad" disappearing around the back of the office when she arrived at 8.00 am.  She thought it might have been one of the grandchildren.  It wasn't. 

Those who follow this blog will have gathered by now that I have been on a 4 months trip to Australia, the Polynesian Island and America which I documented in my travel blog.  If you haven't read it you can access it by clicking on the funny lady on the right sidebar of this blog. 

I arrived back at Heathrow at noon this Monday.  I had been able to sleep on the plane thanks to being upgraded from World Traveller + to Club Class where the seats go horizontal and make into beds.  After taking couple of travel sick pills to make me drowsy I settled down into a shallow sleep.

My first stop was the office, where I saw the banner.  After a quick update on things I went to pick up my great grandson from nursery.  He wasn't expecting me and just looked at me in amazement.  I said "don't you remember me Leyton".  His face lit up and he yelled "Nanny!" and lept into my arms.  Amazing because when I left he was calling me "Ninny"! 


I dropped him off at his house and stayed to visit with his brother and 2 sisters.  My granddaughter invited me to eat with them but I had had a fancy for an egg butty with HP sauce so I dragged my sorry ass back home to unpack and have a my guilty treat. 


On Tuesday I had a meeting.  My grandson Ali arrived to visit during the meeting and sat in with us until it was broken up by the surprise English Tea Party event.  Very eccentric, but what could have been more appropriate?  That evening I was treated to a meal cooked by the king of pasta himself, my adorable grandson-in-law, Dan, .


On Wednesday I went to the hairdressers, went food shopping and bought back doughnuts for the office only to find that one of the hotel groups had already dropped off doughnuts and goodies for us.  In the afternoon I completely zoned out and watched 6 back to back episodes of  Homeland, interspersed with power naps.  Then Elise & Orianne came to stay the night. 

Yesterday was the "Summer of Love" visit from the Sundial Group.  Again, very appropriate because I had just heard Rod Stewart on the radio singing the Cat Stevens song "The First Cut is the Deepest" followed by "If you're going to San Francisco" by Scott Mackenzie.  Both "Summer of Love" anthems from the year that I first met that crazy man called Davy. 

Tim, the MD of Sundial, was very complimentary and said that of all the places they go they all agreed that they enjoyed visiting us best because everyone's so friendly. And the weather behaved too.  We had one glorious day of sunshine after several days of atrocious days.

While all this was going on two of the sales people were trying to persuade me to write my life story.  I would love to darlings, but when would I have time? 

A LIFE WELL LIVED

A palliative nurse who has counselled the dying in their last days has revealed the most common regrets we have at the end of our lives. And among the top, from men in particular, is 'I wish I hadn't worked so hard'.

Bronnie Ware is an Australian nurse who spent several years working in palliative care, caring for patients in the last 12 weeks of their lives. She recorded their dying epiphanies in a blog called Inspiration and Chai, which gathered so much attention that she put her observations into a book called The Top Five Regrets of the Dying.

She writes of the phenomenal clarity of vision that people gain at the end of their lives, and how we might learn from their wisdom. "When questioned about any regrets they had or anything they would do differently," she says, "common themes surfaced again and again."

Here are the top five regrets of the dying, as witnessed by her:

1. I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.

"This was the most common regret of all. When people realise that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people had not honoured even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made. Health brings a freedom very few realise, until they no longer have it."

2. I wish I hadn't worked so hard.

"This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children's youth and their partner's companionship. Women also spoke of this regret, but as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence."

3. I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings.

"Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result."

4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.

"Often they would not truly realise the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying."

5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.

"This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realise until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called 'comfort' of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content, when deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again."

I CAN HONESTLY SAY THAT DAVY HAD NONE OF THESE REGRETS WHEN HE DIED.  HIS WAS A LIFE WELL LIVED.  WE LOVE YOU AND MISS YOU SO MUCH. THANK YOU FOR LOVING US BACK.