Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can
prolong life. Is this true?
A: Heart only good for so many beats, and that it... Don't
waste on exercise. Everything wear out
eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it
like saying you extend life of car by driving faster.
Want to live longer? Take nap.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: Oh no. Wine made from fruit. Brandy
distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so
you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made
of grain. Bottom up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one
to one. If you have two body, your ratio two to
one.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular
exercise program?
A: Can't think of single one, sorry. My philosophy: No
pain...good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food fried in vegetable
oil. How getting more vegetable be bad?
Q : Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a
little soft around the middle?
A: Oh no! When you exercise muscle, it get
bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger
stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: You crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean!
Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for figure, explain whale to me.
Q: Is getting in shape important for my
lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is shape!
Well... I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have
had about food and diets.
And remember:
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention
of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body,
but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate
in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and
screaming "WOO-HOO, what a ride!!"
AND.....
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the
final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to
know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional
studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart
attacks than Australians.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks
than Australians.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer
fewer heart attacks than Australians.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart
attacks than Australians...
5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and
fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Australians.
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
Saturday, 21 June 2014
Thursday, 12 June 2014
HERE'S A BIT OF FUN
Homographs
are words of like spelling but with more than one meaning.
A homograph that is also pronounced differently is
a heteronym.
1) The bandage was wound around the wound
2) The farm was used to produce produce
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture
5) He could lead if he would
get the lead out
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in
the desert
7) Since there is no time like the present, he
thought it was time to present the present
8) A bass was painted on the
head of the bass drum
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid
12) There was a row among
the oarsmen about how to row
13) They were too close to the door to close it
14) The buck does funny things when
the does are present
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into
a sewer line
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow
17) The wind was too
strong to wind the sail.
18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I
shed a tear
19) I had to subject the subject to a series
of tests.
20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are animal organs. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are animal organs. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write but fingers don't
fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth
is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese.
So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that
you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and
ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a
vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I
think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for
the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play
and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses
that run and feet that smell?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out, and in which an alarm goes off by going on.
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out, and in which an alarm goes off by going on.
English was invented by people, not computers, and it
reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a
race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible,
but when the lights are out, they are invisible.
PS. - Why doesn't 'Buick' rhyme with 'quick'?
Monday, 9 June 2014
HERE IS GOOD
To continue, post six and the last of the series. If you have read the previous five posts I have described how I had a “spiritual awakening”, how that affected me and what happened as the result of it.
After the initial impact I had three months of what I can only describe as absolute blissful peace. We still had major emotional and financial problems but nothing seemed to touch me. Could this have been what is known as "Grace of God?” I don’t know, but it felt good.
Unfortunately it didn’t last forever, but by this time I had the means of dealing with my situation. It was, to say the least, a very exciting time with many unexplained things happening, one of which was that Davy and I had become concerned about our very dear friend Steve who was becoming fascinated with some of the fringe "ism" groups. I had “coincidentally” recently bought a book on “cults & isms”. We decided to give this to him and his wife, along with my cherished Bible.
Giving my Bible away was a great wrench for me but we figured that their need was greater than ours. When we arrived home that evening, lo and behold, there was a parcel on our door step. In it was a wedding present from two of the ladies at the church. A Bible! Another "coincidence"!?
The upshot of this is that our friends became Christians soon after attending our wedding at Millmead and Steve then went on to become a great charismatic influencer with a tremendous gift for service.
Fast forward four years. Many, many other unexplainable things happened, however, these stories are not about me and, therefore, not mine to tell. The bottom line is that my time at Millmead was about to come to an end. Davy’s mother was terminally ill with cancer and we decided to move to Lincolnshire so that we could be near her in her final days.
The downside of leaving such an inspirational church is that other churches, particularly the few I tried in rural Lincolnshire, felt like spiritual desserts. I came out feeling worse than when I went in so I spent next 26 years doing my own thing! And, I might add, not very successfully!
A couple of years ago I started getting agitated about this and set off to look for an Alpha Course. Unfortunately I had just missed one, and was introduced to some of the people that had been on it. I asked if there were any “lively” churches in the area and was recommended three, St George’s in Stamford, the Community Church in Peterborough and Holy Trinity in Boston.
I tried St George’s and loved it, but it’s about 30 miles from where I live and felt the need to find a church more local to me so I tried Holy Trinity which is only 10 miles away.
It was Mothering Sunday and as soon as I walked in I felt that I belonged. During the service Simon, the minister, asked the young people to come to the front and collect potted primroses for their mothers. I found this simple act of love profoundly touching and when a young man gave me one too I nearly fell apart! I hadn't expected that. In fact I cried. If the truth be told I’m just an emotion wreck hiding under a gruff exterior, but please keep that to yourself.
The mystery is - why did I start agitating to find a church at that particular time? All I can say is that it’s been a particularly difficult year and I believe that I was guided to solid ground to help me to deal with more of life's "challenges"! J I feel safe now. In the bosom of a caring community, learning, one day at a time, how to live a richly fulfilling spiritual life.
Well, that’s my story from there to here and I must say that, one day at a time, here is good.
.
Labels:
Bible,
the grace of God
Monday, 2 June 2014
JACKIE PULLINGER AND ALL THAT GOOD STUFF
Continuing on from the amazing occurrences I
described in my previous four posts documenting my progression from atheism to
Christianity, I rushed home and said to Davy “I know what’s wrong with this
house! My bible is in the loft. Can you get it down please?”
As I told Davy what had happened I randomly opened the bible and,
glancing down to read Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on
your own understanding. Wow! This totally freaked us
out.
Next day Davy had to go to the
Builders Merchants and while he was in there I wandered into a Christian Book
shop nearby. While I waited for him in the pickup I randomly opened each of the
three books I had bought and, believe it or not, the first page I turned to in
each book contained this same bible verse.
I was just knocked out - but that wasn’t to be the end. As I put the last book down I looked up and
there was the same verse on a church notice board nearby. I just flung my arms in the air and said “OK,
I get the message”.
Now what? I immediately felt a great peace “which transcends all
understanding”. We
had a multitude of emotional and financial problems, but suddenly I felt very
calm about everything. Where did that
come from?
The next day I started fretting about Pentecost,
what was it and when did it happen? I asked Bridie. She asked why
I wanted to know, but I had no idea. I
was totally unprepared for the answer she gave me “Did you know that this
Sunday is Pentecost?” I had no idea!
This was all too strange. And as an aside, I have just realized that I am
writing this the week before Pentecost!
I then found myself wondering where I should go
with my newly found faith? I was sure that I needed to go to church but
wanted to go somewhere where I could be nurtured and developed. I didn’t want anywhere too stuffy, but
neither did I want to end up with what I called “over the top nutters”. I was cautious.
I told Bridie about my bible verse
being in the books etc and she recommend that I read The Hiding Place by Corrie
Ten Boon.
This was the book that had turned her around.
She had also recently bought a book called
“Chasing the Dragon” by Jackie
Pullinger a young Christian who had gone to Hong Kong to work among drug
addicts, helping them come off herion without withdrawals and “coincidentally”
Davy had been trying to help a young addict that worked for him. One day Bridie ‘phoned me and said “guess
what, Jackie Pullinger is over here and speaking at a local school this
evening, shall we go and take John with us?
We discussed our plan with John and
he agreed that we should go and see her.
After her talk she prayed with him and I told her that I was fascinated
by her story. We had a chat and she said
that if I wanted I could catch up with her again the following evening at a
place called Millmead in Guildford where she was speaking again.
When I rocked up at Millmead I thought
“Oh no, a Baptist Church”! I nearly
turned around and went home, but was still keen to talk some more with Jackie
so I went in. You can tell that I am not
at all bigoted or biased! J
Against all my better instincts I
did go into the Church and immediately knew that I was in the right place. I later found out that the Church had been
developed by a renowned preacher and biblical scholar David Pawson. He had moved on from Millmead the year
before, but the legacy that he left behind was just what I needed.
I eventually had full emersion
baptism in that Church and in 1983 Davy and I were married there by Justin
Dennison, another inspirational preacher who taught me so much.
If you remember my path had taken me
from Sunday School, to sitting along in Churches as a child, to reading the
Catherine Marshall book that suddenly appeared in my home. It wasn’t until
later that I realized perhaps my real conversion had started with the 12th
Step of Alcoholics Anonymous. I was, and
still am, a member of Al-Anon, a fellowship for families and friends of
alcoholics. We follow the same 12th step
programme of AA.
The fist 100 members of AA decided
to help suffering alcoholics by analysing the steps they had taken to recover
and sustain their recovery from alcoholism.
The 12th step is “Having
had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps ….” BOOM – it suddenly
dawned on me that I had followed these steps to the best of my ability for 16
years and slowly my mind had been opened to the possibility of there being a
Higher Power who I eventually came to called God. When the time was right he
led me to him. Just as it said on the
tin “having had a spiritual awakening as
the result of these steps”
And what happened to John? He did
come off of heroin without withdrawals and stayed clean for several
months. Unfortunately the lure of the
drug pulled him back into addiction again from which he eventually died. It was so tragic because he had a little
girl, twin boys and a lovely wife.
Unfortunately he didn’t see the need to seek the ongoing help of other
recovering addicts through the NA 12 step programme.
It’s a hard lesson, but to see others fail can reinforce the need for
recovery.
To be continued……..
Oh, and another thing, I would
urge you to click on the Jackie Pullinger link to hear her story. She is an absolute nut, but if only I was
half the person that she is I would die happy
Labels:
Jackie Pullinger,
pentecost
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